The Stories We Tell Ourselves

"We all tell ourselves stories..."

We all tell ourselves stories about ourselves, other people, situations, and our lives. These stories are usually not just a chronicle of facts; they are our interpretation of the facts, which means they are coloured by our beliefs, biased by our nervous system state, and influenced by our past pain. If someone is quiet around us, we are more likely to assume that they are mad or don’t like us than the other very real possibilities that they could be tired, socially anxious, or just comfortable and content with silence. We are not impartial narrators, but this is good news, because if there is a painful story you are telling yourself, about yourself or your life or your relationships, this is an invitation to hope, that there could be another interpretation. 

If you are stepping out in the hope that there could be an interpretation of your story that’s full of love, compassion, and empowerment, the next step towards replacing your negative narrator is awareness.

• What stories are you telling yourself?

  
  

• What’s influencing them? Beliefs? Nervous System State? Past Pain?

  
  

• What might an alternative story sound like?

Is this a Story I’m telling myself?

The first step in awareness is noticing that you do tell yourself stories, and then noticing what those stories say. When we are unaware that a thought is coming from a story we are telling ourselves, we accept it as a fact, not an interpretation of facts. Is it a fact you know or an assumption you’re making?

For the first couple of months of my marriage, anytime my husband and I had any kind of conflict, my thoughts would go to: "This is it, this is how we get a divorce, he’ll never love me again." And it felt really real, like my brain was just accepting the facts. Meanwhile, my poor husband would be so confused as to why I jumped to this conclusion, over what he saw as little arguments. Luckily, I had already been learning about what triggers do to our brain, and about the stories we tell ourselves, so in the moments that it felt so real that it was over, I would tell myself ‘Maybe this is a story I’m telling myself, because I’m triggered, not the highest form of truth.’ Now this didn’t magically take the feeling away, but did make me pause the story, and stay open to other interpretations. Then I could keep trying to resolve things with my husband and not just give up.

If after reading this Blog, all you walk away with is beginning to ask yourself: “Is this a story I’m telling myself?” Just that will open a dialog of curiosity within yourself, and open your brain to considering other possibilities.

What’s Influencing This Story?

Now my husband didn’t divorce me after our first fight or our 2nd or 3rd, and we would repair and reconnect, which helped build the case that “This is the end” was a story I was telling myself, not a fact, but it would still come up in conflicts with him. So I realized that I needed to do some investigating to find out where the story was coming from. The answer was it wasn’t just one thing, and I’m going to lay them all out nicely for you, but I want you to know I didn’t figure this all out at once; it took time.  

#1 My Nervous System State: 

In conflict, my Amygdala (Survival Brain) is activated, which makes me more aware of threats, more likely to see the negatives, and more likely to see things as black and white/all or nothing. So part of what I need in order to notice a different story is to regulate, connect to safety, and turn my prefrontal cortex back on, which is the logical part of my brain that can hold nuance and options. Just shifting from "This is the end." to "Maybe this is the end, maybe not." helped me regulate my triggered brain a little. Also, my husband, who is my safest person, being frustrated with me, feels like death for my attachment system. So part of how I can help myself regulate is to have compassion on myself for why being in conflict can feel so hard, and hold that compassion with the awareness that we don’t stay disregulated forever, and I can hold off writing a story till I’m regulated.

#2 My Past Pain:

In my history, my family didn’t have a lot of direct conflict, but there were multiple occasions where we were a part of a church community for years, and then there would be one conflict that would blow up, and we would leave and never talk to those people again. This history was living in my subconscious, colouring my stories with the fear that a relationship can blow up and end at any time. Those experiences were real, but the story that I was telling myself that “Conflict always ends relationships” wasn’t real. And I could logically see that once I brought it into my conscious awareness, because here was a man (my husband) who kept coming back to relationships, seeking to understand, and wanting to connect. These new experiences helped create a new story that “Sometimes conflict leads to deeper connection.” Usually, stories are written in our subconscious, but by bringing them to our conscious awareness, we can edit them. 

#3 My Beliefs

The painful experiences in my past had created belief systems like: "Conflict will always end relationships." and "Relationships are fragile, and you can’t trust them to stick around." I could have tried to tell myself that "Conflict never ends relationships, and you can always trust everyone to always stay." But that’s not realistic, and my brain would probably call BS, and it would have every right to. The goal is not to whitewash our stories with toxic positivity, but rather to intentionally create more nuanced stories from a more regulated state. I now believe that conflict does sometimes end relationships, but also that sometimes conflict deepens relationships, depending on how it’s handled. This more nuanced belief leads to more nuanced stories in conflict where I can see the threat and the hard things, but also the safety and the hope. It makes it a lot easier to resolve things in conflict with my husband when I’m telling myself this nuanced story, vs "This is the end!"

What Might Another Interpretation Sound Like?

As I became more aware and more regulated, the story I would tell myself around conflict with my husband and other people started to change. Instead of feeling that conflict is the end, I now see conflict as a fork in the road where you can either turn closer or further away. 

But what about you and your story? Once you’ve noticed and become aware of a story, how do you come up with a new story?

I don’t know your unique situation, but I do have some prompts that can help you start to imagine some other options. 

• What would this story sound like with more nuance? Less always and never, more sometimes and maybe.

• What would this story sound like if it didn’t have any villains, just imperfect humans?

• What would this story sound like if I had compassion for myself?

• What would this story sound like if I were not triggered?

• What would this story sound like if I believed I always have a choice?

• What would this story sound like if I acknowledged that I can’t read minds? Acknowledge what you are assuming.

• What would this story sound like if I didn't have my pain history? Consider that it might be possible that this isn't just a repeat of what has happened before.

This practice is not for denying emotions or hard things, but rather for creating a little more nuance and options around emotions, so we can see ourselves and others more clearly.