5 Ways to Increase Compassion

Compassion is the secret sauce of emotional healing, but most people go through life experiencing way more judgment than compassion, so here are some ways to increase compassion for yourself and others.

1. Learn How Humans Work

The more you learn about how people work and what they need to thrive, the easier it is to see how most people’s destructive behaviour comes from pain, fear, shame, and/or lack of understanding. The majority of people don’t walk around with truly malicious intent. 

Perceived Malicious Intent:

In the past, I would get so frustrated when I tried to tell someone they hurt* me because their responses were usually defensive. It seemed like they were saying, ”You shouldn’t be hurt.” Or “Remember there was a time you hurt me, that I never told you about.” Or “You’re being dramatic.” Or “I had good intentions, so if you got hurt that’s your own problem” I left these conversations feeling unheard, sometimes shamed for bringing it up, and often convinced the other person was heartless and simply didn’t care about me.

*Not speaking to situations of abuse.

A New Understanding:

That was until I heard a Connected Life Podcast explaining this dynamic. Most people become defensive because they don't want to be seen as bad. In childhood being bad often meant punishment and disconnection, so when I would tell them I felt hurt, their nervous system would perceive it as a threat of punishment or rejection. 

Also in order to acknowledge that you had good intentions but still hurt someone requires a nuanced and flexible perception of self. Many people have an inflexible perception of self (all good or all bad.), making it difficult to admit imperfections without feeling entirely bad, so they either defend themselves or become consumed by shame. Neither option sets a person up to take ownership.

If you’ve ever said or heard a phrase like. “I guess I’m just a terrible Mom.” You probably still didn't feel heard, or like they were open to taking ownership for their part in the repair process. That's because this type of response comes from an inflexible self-image, that’s either all good or all bad, and if they are all bad then there is nothing they can do.

The more I see that people's defensive responses are coming from a place of fear and shame, the more compassion I have for them, and the better I’ve got at navigating these types of conversations. I've learned to choose my words to add safety to the conversation and increase my chance of being heard. Because they are people who do care about me, when not blinded by fear and shame. Adding phrases like these:

•  "I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but I want to give you good information for next time.” (I’m not punishing or abandoning you, there will be a next time.) 

• "I know you probably didn't mean to hurt me." (There is room for our experiences to be different and still matter.)

2. Reevaluate Your Expectations

If you were naturally good at things as a child, or were expected to know how to do things without guidance, or get things right on the first try, you might have unrealistic expectations for yourself and others. Ask yourself:

• "Am I expecting myself/others to know things telepathically?”

• "Do I give myself and others grace to be in process, or do I expect finished products?”

I used to try to spend as little money on myself as possible, including groceries, but also expected myself to be healthy and productive, and then be frustrated with myself when I wasn’t. A massive bowl of popcorn may help the hunger pains, but the brain and body need more, to function at their best. 

If you begin to notice areas where you have unrealistic expectations, you may need to take some time to validate and attune to the pain of having unrealistic expectations placed on you as a kid, and how you’ve perpetrated those expectations on yourself as an adult.

3. Learn to Regulate Your Nervous System

It's easier to have compassion on ourselves and others when we're regulated, rather than stressed, anxious, or tired. When regulated, our relationship circuits are on, making it easier to connect with others and hold nuanced thoughts. Regulation Exercises like breathing, stretching, bilateral stimulation, connecting to safety, and more, can help your body relax and return to a regulated state. These exercises work best when practiced alongside learning to validate and attune to your emotions.

4. Seek Out Compassionate Role Models

We learned in childhood how to respond to ourselves by observing other people's responses. If you grew up around people with a lot of judgment, a Mom who is critical of her appearance, a teacher who is quick to belittle people for asking questions, or a Dad who is critical of other races and people groups, those voices may have shaped your inner voice, as you learned from their example. Look for new examples of compassionate voices in people, books, movies, music, and media that demonstrate nuance and compassion, to give yourself other options of responses. 

5. Meet with a Life Consultant

From my own experience and the constant feedback from my clients, I know meeting with a Life Consultant can be incredibly valuable in increasing compassion. They provide education on human behavior, nervous system function, and what we need to thrive. Life Consultants offer an outside perspective and thoughtful questions as you reevaluate your expectations of yourself and others. They are trained in Regulation Exercise, as well as validation, and attunement. As they respond to your story and emotions, they model what compassion can look like, and create a safe environment for you to co-regulation.